This anecdote is not about public shaming. That’s just a nice side effect. The point of this story is that people don’t change. Knowing that people don’t change, all one can do is change the way you react to people. I would also like to introduce the question - is it better to be principled or to be effective?
It all started with a series of mistakes. In November of 2010, Julie received two coveted free tickets to a Seahawks game. The face value of the tickets was $350 each. They were great tickets. I was excited as the Seahawks were playing my hometown Cardinals. However, the weather was looking worse and worse by the day.
Mistake #1. Knowing the weather could possibly be bad, I didn’t want to go to the game with Julie, a casual fan. I could envision a scenario where we got there, watched a little of the game, and she would say, “Let’s go home.”
Somehow, I managed to talk her into giving me HER tickets. It was selfish and stupid. I acknowledge this. I should have gone to the game with her and appreciated the alone time regardless of the venue. Instead, I called a few guys and left a voicemail saying the first one to call me back could go to the game.
The first guy to call me back was, well, let’s call him “Lance”. “Lance” was also from Arizona and when he called to claim the ticket, I said, “I dare you to wear my Larry Fitzgerald Cardinal’s jersey to the game.”
“Lance” said he wouldn’t have any other way. Mistake #2 was letting “Lance” borrow anything. On my theme of people don’t change, “Lance” is of the opinion that he has no obligation whatsoever to return anything that he has borrowed. It is his sincere belief that if the person he borrowed something from wants the item he borrowed back, they can come over and get it. I had been warned of this opinion multiple times by numerous people and planned to get the jersey back from him immediately after the game.
Mistake #3. I got really, really drunk at the game. I forgot all about asking for the jersey back and “Lance” went home with it. A few days later, he said thanks for the game and by the way I still have your jersey, I’ll give it back to you. I didn’t hold my breath and knew that if I wanted it back, I’d have to go get it.
A few months went by and I decided enough was enough and I would go get it. I called “Lance”. He told me I could swing by his house and pick it up on the way home from work. I went at the time we agreed on, but he wasn’t there. I was sitting, in the rain, waiting. Finally, I called him.
“Dude, I’m so sorry. I’ve got both kids. The wife is out of town. I’ll be there in an hour if you want to wait.”
“I really don’t want to sit in my car and wait, in the rain, for an hour. I’ve got to get home to my family.”
“Dude, I’m sorry. I’ll bring it by your house.”
Again, I wasn’t going to hold my breath. It’s at this point in the story that I would like to point out that “Lance” lived about a five minute’s drive away. Multiple times, he even promised to bike up my hill to return the jersey and get a workout in.
Mistake #4. I continued to allow Lance to dictate the terms of returning said jersey. After several promises to return it, I ran into him at work. He said he would put the jersey in his car and give it back to me when I saw him. A few weeks went by and I ran into him randomly and he still did not have the jersey. I was getting increasingly annoyed.
Out of the blue, “Lance” im’ed me to say he had my jersey and if I came by the cafeteria where he was sitting, he would give it back to me. I literally dropped everything, rushed over, and he was gone. I tried calling “Lance”, but he didn’t answer the phone. Strike 2 for “Lance”.
Strike 3 was exactly the same as strike 2. I get a random IM, I dropped everything, rushed over, and “Lance” had decided that he would rather go mountain biking on a sunny day than wait an extra ten minutes to return my jersey (I should mention that he usually only works about two hours a day).
Strike 4 was just like Strikes 2 and 3. I show up, he’s not there, I call, he doesn’t answer. Only this time, after being stood up four times and in the process of packing all of my earthly possessions, I lost it. At that exact moment, it wasn’t about getting the jersey back any more. It was about the principle of the thing. I took “Lance” to a football game with a great seat, he took my jersey, and stood me up four times in my attempts to retrieve it and felt absolutely no shame for his behavior. It was a perfect storm of narcissism, apathy, laziness, entitlement, passive aggressive behavior, and general bad manners.
Mistake #5. I should have taken a deep breath. I should have called and left a message saying, “Hey, this timing thing isn’t working out. Why don’t you leave the jersey on your porch and give me a call? I’ll swing by and pick it up as soon as I know it’s there.”
Instead, the message went more like this, “‘Lance’, I’m in the cafeteria and you’re not here. I’m tired of this. You get off your fucking ass NOW and bring that jersey to my house you worthless sack of shit.”
Again “Lance” could have answered the phone. He chose not to. Instead, he texted back, “Why is your pussy all sore?”
I proceeded down this path pathetically texting (because “Lance” wouldn’t answer the phone) that he ought to be ashamed of himself that he had my jersey and had stood me up multiple times when I went out of my way to get back MY jersey.
People don’t change. “Lance” immediately got defensive. He said I wasn’t a “real” fan. Apparently, in “Lance’s” world, if you don’t pass the “real” fan test then he is under no obligation to return the item at all.
I continued. “Lance” then proceeded to call me “materialistic”. If only I were as enlightened as “Lance” I would not be bothered by the fact that I had now wasted four hours of my life trying to retrieve my damn jersey!
When I finally got home, the jersey was, miraculously, on my porch. However, “Lance” did the mature thing and immediately unfriended me on FaceBook. I guarantee, if you were to ask “Lance” about this incident his response would be, “Evan is a total dick. He got bent out of shape over nothing.”
I have not yelled at anyone in six or seven years. I find it extremely ineffective. I had simply lost all patience with “Lance” and my yelling accomplished absolutely nothing. In his mind, “Lance” did nothing wrong and my screaming, if anything, convinced him that I was the one at fault. Again, the point of this story is not public shaming, the point is that “Lance” has not changed his viewpoint at all after being exposed to my righteous anger. Since I was powerless to change “Lance” I should have changed my approach. I understood it then, I simply succumbed to my emotion. I let the principle of the issue get in the way of getting the result that I wanted.
In personal relationships and friendships, it’s better to stick with people that are +EV. So “Lance” unfriended me, it’s not the first time it’s happened. It probably won’t be the last. Good riddance. However, how do you handle -EV people at work? What do you do if you love your job, but you find your co-worker annoying? What if you’re the boss and your employee lets you down? What if you hate your boss? Do you agree that you cannot change people?
It all started with a series of mistakes. In November of 2010, Julie received two coveted free tickets to a Seahawks game. The face value of the tickets was $350 each. They were great tickets. I was excited as the Seahawks were playing my hometown Cardinals. However, the weather was looking worse and worse by the day.
Mistake #1. Knowing the weather could possibly be bad, I didn’t want to go to the game with Julie, a casual fan. I could envision a scenario where we got there, watched a little of the game, and she would say, “Let’s go home.”
Somehow, I managed to talk her into giving me HER tickets. It was selfish and stupid. I acknowledge this. I should have gone to the game with her and appreciated the alone time regardless of the venue. Instead, I called a few guys and left a voicemail saying the first one to call me back could go to the game.
The first guy to call me back was, well, let’s call him “Lance”. “Lance” was also from Arizona and when he called to claim the ticket, I said, “I dare you to wear my Larry Fitzgerald Cardinal’s jersey to the game.”
“Lance” said he wouldn’t have any other way. Mistake #2 was letting “Lance” borrow anything. On my theme of people don’t change, “Lance” is of the opinion that he has no obligation whatsoever to return anything that he has borrowed. It is his sincere belief that if the person he borrowed something from wants the item he borrowed back, they can come over and get it. I had been warned of this opinion multiple times by numerous people and planned to get the jersey back from him immediately after the game.
Mistake #3. I got really, really drunk at the game. I forgot all about asking for the jersey back and “Lance” went home with it. A few days later, he said thanks for the game and by the way I still have your jersey, I’ll give it back to you. I didn’t hold my breath and knew that if I wanted it back, I’d have to go get it.
A few months went by and I decided enough was enough and I would go get it. I called “Lance”. He told me I could swing by his house and pick it up on the way home from work. I went at the time we agreed on, but he wasn’t there. I was sitting, in the rain, waiting. Finally, I called him.
“Dude, I’m so sorry. I’ve got both kids. The wife is out of town. I’ll be there in an hour if you want to wait.”
“I really don’t want to sit in my car and wait, in the rain, for an hour. I’ve got to get home to my family.”
“Dude, I’m sorry. I’ll bring it by your house.”
Again, I wasn’t going to hold my breath. It’s at this point in the story that I would like to point out that “Lance” lived about a five minute’s drive away. Multiple times, he even promised to bike up my hill to return the jersey and get a workout in.
Mistake #4. I continued to allow Lance to dictate the terms of returning said jersey. After several promises to return it, I ran into him at work. He said he would put the jersey in his car and give it back to me when I saw him. A few weeks went by and I ran into him randomly and he still did not have the jersey. I was getting increasingly annoyed.
Out of the blue, “Lance” im’ed me to say he had my jersey and if I came by the cafeteria where he was sitting, he would give it back to me. I literally dropped everything, rushed over, and he was gone. I tried calling “Lance”, but he didn’t answer the phone. Strike 2 for “Lance”.
Strike 3 was exactly the same as strike 2. I get a random IM, I dropped everything, rushed over, and “Lance” had decided that he would rather go mountain biking on a sunny day than wait an extra ten minutes to return my jersey (I should mention that he usually only works about two hours a day).
Strike 4 was just like Strikes 2 and 3. I show up, he’s not there, I call, he doesn’t answer. Only this time, after being stood up four times and in the process of packing all of my earthly possessions, I lost it. At that exact moment, it wasn’t about getting the jersey back any more. It was about the principle of the thing. I took “Lance” to a football game with a great seat, he took my jersey, and stood me up four times in my attempts to retrieve it and felt absolutely no shame for his behavior. It was a perfect storm of narcissism, apathy, laziness, entitlement, passive aggressive behavior, and general bad manners.
Mistake #5. I should have taken a deep breath. I should have called and left a message saying, “Hey, this timing thing isn’t working out. Why don’t you leave the jersey on your porch and give me a call? I’ll swing by and pick it up as soon as I know it’s there.”
Instead, the message went more like this, “‘Lance’, I’m in the cafeteria and you’re not here. I’m tired of this. You get off your fucking ass NOW and bring that jersey to my house you worthless sack of shit.”
Again “Lance” could have answered the phone. He chose not to. Instead, he texted back, “Why is your pussy all sore?”
I proceeded down this path pathetically texting (because “Lance” wouldn’t answer the phone) that he ought to be ashamed of himself that he had my jersey and had stood me up multiple times when I went out of my way to get back MY jersey.
People don’t change. “Lance” immediately got defensive. He said I wasn’t a “real” fan. Apparently, in “Lance’s” world, if you don’t pass the “real” fan test then he is under no obligation to return the item at all.
I continued. “Lance” then proceeded to call me “materialistic”. If only I were as enlightened as “Lance” I would not be bothered by the fact that I had now wasted four hours of my life trying to retrieve my damn jersey!
When I finally got home, the jersey was, miraculously, on my porch. However, “Lance” did the mature thing and immediately unfriended me on FaceBook. I guarantee, if you were to ask “Lance” about this incident his response would be, “Evan is a total dick. He got bent out of shape over nothing.”
I have not yelled at anyone in six or seven years. I find it extremely ineffective. I had simply lost all patience with “Lance” and my yelling accomplished absolutely nothing. In his mind, “Lance” did nothing wrong and my screaming, if anything, convinced him that I was the one at fault. Again, the point of this story is not public shaming, the point is that “Lance” has not changed his viewpoint at all after being exposed to my righteous anger. Since I was powerless to change “Lance” I should have changed my approach. I understood it then, I simply succumbed to my emotion. I let the principle of the issue get in the way of getting the result that I wanted.
In personal relationships and friendships, it’s better to stick with people that are +EV. So “Lance” unfriended me, it’s not the first time it’s happened. It probably won’t be the last. Good riddance. However, how do you handle -EV people at work? What do you do if you love your job, but you find your co-worker annoying? What if you’re the boss and your employee lets you down? What if you hate your boss? Do you agree that you cannot change people?
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