Scorecards

I worked at Microsoft in one capacity or another for over a decade. One of the things that drove me nuts was the fetishization of scorecards. Scorecards measured arbitrary things in the hopes of managing by numbers. Once a KPI (Key Performance Indicator) made it onto a scorecard, all kinds of crazy shenanigans ensued to manipulate the KPI in one direction or the other. Never, ever was it questioned if this behavior was desirable or if the KPI even mattered. No sir, a KPI is a KPI and reporting and managing was more important than anything else. More important than building good software, innovating, or delighting customers. It was all about the scorecards and KPIs.

I have now lived in Australia for over a year. Maybe it is withdrawal from Microsoft culture, but I find myself compelled to create a scorecard comparing the United States to Australia. Why? Because maybe once you get past the stupidity of it all, scorecards might be… fun? The categories are arbitrary and the decisions are solely mine. Don’t like it? Make your own damn scorecard!

Pizza: Australian pizza is typically a thin crust with sometimes exotic and sometimes disgusting toppings. Aussies are known to put egg, beet root (they put beet root on everything), and even salami on their pizza. However, I have had some pizza with pumpkin, goat cheese, and rosemary that was absolutely delicious. American pizza can come in either thin or thick crust and the toppings are usually a little more mundane. Peperoni, mushroom, and/or sausage. I like most Australian pizza, I like all American pizza.
Winner: Like most things in comparing two societies, there is no better or worse. In this category, I’m calling it a tie.

Journalism: This category is not even close. The United States wins so easily that it isn’t even a contest. The Age and the Sydney Morning Herald have absolutely no integrity, journalistic ethics, or even the ability to write something moderately entertaining. These are complete and utter sell outs to large corporate interests and do nothing but report propaganda.
Winner: The United States of America

Desserts: Australians sure are a weird bunch. They love Vegemite. They hate Dr. Pepper. When it comes to desserts, they have created lamingtons, hot jam doughnuts, and Tim Tams. What is a lamington? Take a piece of sponge cake, dip it in chocolate, and then lightly dust it with coconut shavings. Take my word for it, they are awesome. But then… in Australia, I have had a piece of cheesecake so bad that I wouldn’t eat it drunk. I miss good old American cheesecake, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, apple pie, and good ice cream.
Winner: Tie

Fashion – Ladies: Walk down the streets of Melbourne and one can find women in short skirts, stockings, and high heels. Their hair and makeup are always impeccable. Lest you think I am describing slutty looking women, I assure you I am not. The female Australian fashionista walks right up to the slutty line then takes two giant steps back. If you are blessed to have one of these creatures in your office environment, you would never say they looked unprofessional, but they do look hot. Compare this specimen to their American counterpart. Expect to see the American female professional in jeans or even sweat pants. Hair in a ponytail and makeup as an after thought.
Winner: Not even close, Australia wins in a landslide.

Fashion – Men: I had to break this category into two separate categories and the rationale should be readily apparent. The ladies of Melbourne definitely dress like ladies. Unfortunately, so do the men. I would say there is a tendency towards metrosexuality, but that would be a definite understatement. The US went through a metrosexual phase in about 2004 with the popularity of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”. The show was mildly entertaining and it did make a little impact on style for a short period of time. Then we got over it. About the same time, I think Australians got together and said, “We will finally do something better than the United States. We are going to out-metrosexual them!”
So after this decision, Australian men walk around in tight jeans, tight suits, and women’s blouses. When they actually do wear men’s clothes, they flip their collars up on polo shirts and look about as bad as possible.
Winner: The US, where a man can be a man and no self respecting American man would ever wear G-Star jeans.

Taxes: Knowing that Australia offers its citizens health care, you would think that the tax rate here would be exorbitant. I told a co-worker that my net pay in Australia is higher than it is in the US and she was shocked. Her response, “But you don’t have healthcare! Where does the money go?” Well, there are certain burdens to running an empire and that is where the bulk of our taxes go. That and fraud. The marginal tax rates in Oz are lower than those in the US. There is a sales tax here at the national level which is about equal to that of Washington or California. Sin tax is insanely high and cigarettes cost about $16 a pack. There is no notion of property tax. Looking at it holistically, I think taxes are actually lower in Australia and there are more social services.

However, before handing the award over to Australia, I would like to point out that cars over $56k are subject to a luxury tax of THIRTY-THREE PER CENT! Slapping a luxury tax on an item like this seems like nothing more than class warfare.
Winner: Australia

Healthcare: I alluded to it in the taxes category and the United States remains the only OECD country without a real health plan. Now before my right wing friends attack me, I am aware than anyone can walk into an emergency room and not be turned away. However, using the ER as a general practitioner is far from ideal. Further, I think there is a real link between the lack of homelessness in Australia and the health care system. Most homeless people have serious mental illness and need to be diagnosed and medicated. In Australia, at least they have that ability and I can walk around downtown Melbourne or St Kilda without being constantly barraged by homelessness.
Winner: Hands down Australia

Public Transportation: I went to school at Northwestern University, on the shores of Lake Michigan, just outside of Chicago. Evanston was once a dry town and there were only a few bars. When my idiot friends and I got tired of seeing the same people, we used to hop on the El and for $3, we could make it downtown Chicago. Evanston was OK, but I loved Chicago and I was able to get there cheaply and easily. However, Chicago and New York are the exceptions and not the rule in the United States. There is public transportation in Los Angeles but I have no idea how it works, where it goes, and I am sure it would take several hours to go a few miles. In Melbourne, there is a system of buses, trams, and trains that connects Melbourne to many smaller suburbs. There have been some issues with the ticketing system, but for the most part it is reliable and cost effective.
Winner: Australia

Cost of Living: Shit here is expensive. In fact, both Melbourne and Sydney are in the top ten most expensive cities to live in. Home prices are outrageous and rents are pretty high. However, it’s not just the cost of mortgages or rent. Everything just costs more. A new car will cost triple what it does in the US. Going out to eat costs double. Taking a family of four to a matinee movie will set you back $75. The list could go on and on. Even before the housing crash in the US, the US was far cheaper. Now it is just that much more of a bargain.
Winner: The US

Service: I was shocked to find out that Australians don’t tip. Ever. I have officially not tipped twice in my life prior to living in Oz and that was for exceptionally bad service. I was told that I would get over not tipping quickly and that even if it was expected, I wouldn’t want to do it. That was good advice. The notion of customer service particularly in bars, restaurants, and in retail is absolutely appalling. I have explained that most wait staff in the US are paid $2 an hour on a sub-minimum wage but are able to make a living off of tips. Most wait staff in Australia make $15 an hour but no tips. Having seen firsthand what happens to service when there is no expectation of gratuities and knowing what an American can make off of gratuities, I think the US does this one right. The consumer of services gets far better service and the provider of service can make more money, so long as they do a decent job.
Winner: US

Entertainment: Flip on the television any weeknight and during primetime, you can find reruns of “The Big Bang Theory”. Back to back reruns. In primetime. If there was no America, there would be no television or movies in Australia. Period. Occasionally, TV shows are made here, but they suck. I got suckered into watching “House Husbands” mainly because it was filmed at my son’s school, but the writing and acting were so bad as to be unwatchable.
Winner: US

Work: Australians sure love facetime and I am not talking about the little used feature on iPhones. They do not understand the concept of working from home and believe if they can’t see you, then you MUST be goofing off. Office hours are strictly enforced. Show up late once and get a dirty look. Show up late again and you’re going to have a word from your manager. They also love hierarchy and authority. Managers are not to be questioned and worker bees are expected to do as they are told.
The US is not a worker’s nirvana, but management styles and expectations have changed since I started my career. There is a much higher emphasis on getting things done over bureaucracy, dress codes, or even where the work gets done.
Winner: US

Culture: I find it interesting that the United States is the only former British colony to have ever told England to piss off. We are fiercely independent. Sometimes we are foolhardy. We act first and think later. We have a capacity for change that I did not comprehend until I moved to Oz.

Australians, on the other hand, are terrified of change. They like an orderly society and try to plan and overplan everything. Even the buildings here do not change as they are protected by “heritage laws” (the subject of another rant). However, change is coming and I am not sure if this society is prepared for it.
Seventy years ago, the United States and our allies decimated the manufacturing capabilities of Germany and Japan. With the war over and soldiers returning home, the factories that helped us win the war started cranking out goods and exporting them globally. For an entire generation, the US had it good. Very good. The rest of the world was in shambles and incapable of competing. We got lazy and the rest of the world caught up. In the seventies and eighties, Germany and Japan came roaring back to life manufacturing superior cars and consumer goods and gave America a wake up call. It was a slap to the face, but we rose to the challenge and started leading in different industries (namely tech).

Being in Australia now seems like how it must have felt to live in the US in the sixties. There is a sense of complacency and a lack of competition. But competition is coming and globalization is going to affect everyone. No amount of planning or protectionism can prevent it.
Winner: US

There you have it. I created arbitrary categories and judged two different societies on my own personal tastes. The only real winner here is me as I have been blessed with the opportunity to live in two great countries. If you value healthcare, public transportation, and women’s fashion – Australia wins. If you value service, innovation, seeing men dress like men, the ability to change and innovate, and actually being able to afford a life – the United State is the winner.

The Saints Don't Disappoint at Disappointing

Another footy season has come and gone with the regular season ending a week ago. For me and my beloved Saints, that means that the season is over. The Saints finished in ninth place - the top eight move on to the Finals (what Americans would call the playoffs). Some sports fans might be disappointed by this outcome, but I thrive off this frustration. In fact, one of the reasons I chose the Saints was for their maddening inconsistency. Now that a once promising season has been mercifully laid to rest, I have had the opportunity to reflect on a lot of the things that the AFL does right and should be copied by other sports leagues.

The AFL is comprised of eighteen teams that play twenty-two games over the course of a twenty-three week season. Obviously, some teams play each other twice in a single season. Unlike the NFL or the NBA, there are no divisions. As teams rise and fade in glory, the schedule is adjusted to create more marquee matchups. I prefer this to the NFL schedule where teams play their own division’s opponents twice a year regardless of the quality of the division. Further, I do not believe the argument that the divisions help to create a history and rivalry as there are plenty of heated rivalries in the AFL without divisions. Even worse, the divisions in the NFL do not even make sense. For example, the NFC West is comprised of the Seattle Seahawks, San Francisco 49ers, Arizona Cardinals, and Saint Louis Rams. One of these teams is not like the others... unless you happened to remember that seventeen years ago, the Saint Louis Rams were the Los Angeles Rams. In the NFL, divisions are arbitrary and have way too much influence over the schedule.

Although an AFL team plays six more games in a season over the NFL, in both leagues every game matters - especially compared to an eighty-two game season in the NBA or even worse the one hundred sixty-two games season of the MLB. With a relatively small number of games, it is natural that occasionally there will be ties in the win-loss records. In the NFL, there are a series of Byzantine rules that dictates which team wins a tie breaker starting with the most wins in an arbitrary division. The AFL, in contrast, has an extremely simple method of determining a tie breaker. Throughout the course of a season, the points for and points against are carefully tracked and used to calculate a teams percentage (PF/PA). The team with the higher percentage will win in the event of a tie. The percentage is of significant importance and creates a strong incentive for teams to play hard even if the game is becoming a bit of a blow out. The players still try to put points on the board to give their percentage a boost.

As a fan of the NFL, I found it difficult to embrace the idea of taking my children to a game. The thing about kids in general and my kids in particular is that they are unpredictable. Given that the cheapest seats to an NFL game would cost $75 each, I would hate to spend $225 and wind up having a bad time because my kids were not in the mood or felt like going home. The AFL, by contrast, will offer up a free ticket for children under 5. Children between 5 and 11 cost a scant $2.50. In fact, taking the family to the footy is far cheaper than taking the family to the movies. Given that there are fewer NFL games played and that the prices are dictated by supply and demand, I don’t see ticket prices going lower for children any time soon, but the family friendly atmosphere of the footy games along with steeply discounted tickets for children is something that should be copied by other leagues.

In the NFL, the two top teams in each division earn bye weeks. In the AFL, the top four teams play each other and the bottom four teams play each other in the first round. The teams that win in the top four earn a bye week while the losing teams earn a second chance by playing the winners in the bottom four. The incentive to make the top four is extremely strong knowing they get a either a second chance or a bye week. As the season nears the end, the games become extremely important as the top four teams would not even consider coasting out of fear of losing their top four spot.

Finally, the easiest change for the NFL to implement, changing the day of the Super Bowl... In the AFL, the Grand Final (the equivalent to the Super Bowl) is held on a Saturday afternoon. How civilized is that? Plenty of time to get drunk and watch footy and still have a day left in the weekend to recover. I know there is plenty of tradition behind Super Bowl Sunday, but I am honestly curious if any sports fan in the United States would object to the Super Bowl being held on Saturday?

Footy is an incredibly fast paced game that demands a lot from its participants. It is a crazy blend of speed, endurance, powerful hits, hand-eye coordination, and teamwork. I have truly enjoyed attending several games this season and am looking forward to seeing even more next year. Not only is the game great, but the league itself does several things a little differently than I am used to from American sports. While comparing AFL football to the NFL is truly like comparing apples to oranges, a lot of these differences make the game more fun and should be brought to the NFL and other leagues.