I feel privileged to be here in Australia, really I do. It’s just that once in a while, little things don’t work the way I expect them to work and it puzzles me. I’m not talking about the fact that Aussies drive on the wrong side of the road or call Burger King “Hungry Jack’s”. I understand that, as an American, I pronounce things differently (and some would say more correctly). I’m talking about things that should work but don’t and there is no reasonable explanation for why they don’t work.
The movie “Blood Diamond” introduced me to the phrase “TIA” for “This Is Africa”. In the movie, someone could be pulled over in their car, yanked out by their hair, and shot in the back of the head. If anyone were to hear this story, they would be saddened but accept it for This Is Africa. For my This Is Australia experiences, there have been absolutely no violence or harm done to anyone. In fact, everyone is really nice about it and I think the niceness makes it even more frustrating to me.
Backing up a little bit. Way back in 1999, I had my own company. I did consulting work and my company got paid. In those ancient days, my company got paid by real, live, physical checks that would be delivered to my apartment. I would take these checks, in person, to the bank and have them deposited into my business account. Once in my business account, I could then pay myself. The process really sucked because it took a couple of hours every week to chase down the checks, go to the bank, write a check for my taxes, etc. However, no one was really doing anything else. It simply was the way it was.
Every week, it was the same. I would go to the bank and be informed that there would be a fourteen day hold on my deposit to ensure that the check cleared. I would politely ask to see the branch manager. The branch manager would come over, smile, and shake my hand and declare there was no reason to put a hold on my account. That was all it took.
In the present day, no one deals with checks any more. Everything, and I mean everything, is handled electronically. I recently got paid which was good because I was starting to owe people lots of money. Knowing there was money in my account, I thought it would be a good idea to get some cash and start paying people back. I hate owing people money.
Before I headed off for the bank, I checked my balance online. Everything looked right. I skipped the ATM because I wanted to withdraw a largish amount, like I said, I was starting to rack up a lot of debt to people kind enough to help this poor boy from Arizona lost in Oz out. I grabbed a ticket and waited in the lobby of the ANZ Bank (in the local dialect, pronounced “ayenzed”).
Side note, American speakers outside of the United States pronounce the letter “Z” as zed. When I say, “I’m heading to the A-N-Z bank,” I get blank looks and confusion. I try my hardest not to say zed because I think zee sounds much better. My argument is that when you sing the abc song, at the end you say, “Next time won’t you sing with me?” Me rhymes nicely with zee, but not at all with zed, therefore, the US is right and the rest of the American speaking world is wrong. Until I get a more convincing argument I am going to continue trying to say zee and not zed mainly out of principle.
The wait didn’t take long and soon enough, I was face-to-face with a teller for the first time in ages. I asked to make a large cash withdrawal. He politely asked for my card, swiped it, and asked for my PIN. I complied. He then informed me that I had (I don’t mean to brag here) $14.90 in available funds.
I frowned. “I just checked my balance online. I got paid. There should be a lot more money in my account than that.”
“I’m afraid not, sir.”
I pulled out my beloved iPhone and showed him the page with my account balance reflecting my recent pay deposit.
“I’m sorry, sir, the funds are not available yet.”
“What do you mean they’re not available yet? They were electronically deposited. My company does its banking with ANZ.”
I received a blank look.
“I mean my company banks with ayenzed.”
“I’m sorry, sir, let me grab the manager.”
“OK,” I thought, “all part of the process. I talk to the teller, the teller grabs the manager, the manager waives their hand, I get my money, and I start paying people back.”
The manager arrived. She shook my hand and asked what was the problem. I told her I was paid, I could see the deposit online, but my available funds were not reflecting my recent deposit. She frowned a little and banged away on a computer.
“I’m sorry, sir, your deposit won’t be available for another twenty-four hours.”
“OK, my company banks with ayenzed. I bank with ayenzed. You can see the money from my company going into my personal account. There is no way I can scam this as both these accounts are in your systems and it has been electronically deposited. The transaction should be processed in less than a second.”
She smiled. “You’re right, sir. We’re working on the problem. But there’s a twenty-four hour hold on your deposit. We can take your number and call you when the funds become available,” she added helpfully.
I took a deep breath. I realized she was prepared to politely smile and not do anything for me for as long as I was willing to argue with her. There was no way I was going to get the money no matter what I said. I tucked my tail between my legs and hoped that no one broke me legs over the money I owed them and realized I would have to come back another day and try again, for This Is Australia...
The movie “Blood Diamond” introduced me to the phrase “TIA” for “This Is Africa”. In the movie, someone could be pulled over in their car, yanked out by their hair, and shot in the back of the head. If anyone were to hear this story, they would be saddened but accept it for This Is Africa. For my This Is Australia experiences, there have been absolutely no violence or harm done to anyone. In fact, everyone is really nice about it and I think the niceness makes it even more frustrating to me.
Backing up a little bit. Way back in 1999, I had my own company. I did consulting work and my company got paid. In those ancient days, my company got paid by real, live, physical checks that would be delivered to my apartment. I would take these checks, in person, to the bank and have them deposited into my business account. Once in my business account, I could then pay myself. The process really sucked because it took a couple of hours every week to chase down the checks, go to the bank, write a check for my taxes, etc. However, no one was really doing anything else. It simply was the way it was.
Every week, it was the same. I would go to the bank and be informed that there would be a fourteen day hold on my deposit to ensure that the check cleared. I would politely ask to see the branch manager. The branch manager would come over, smile, and shake my hand and declare there was no reason to put a hold on my account. That was all it took.
In the present day, no one deals with checks any more. Everything, and I mean everything, is handled electronically. I recently got paid which was good because I was starting to owe people lots of money. Knowing there was money in my account, I thought it would be a good idea to get some cash and start paying people back. I hate owing people money.
Before I headed off for the bank, I checked my balance online. Everything looked right. I skipped the ATM because I wanted to withdraw a largish amount, like I said, I was starting to rack up a lot of debt to people kind enough to help this poor boy from Arizona lost in Oz out. I grabbed a ticket and waited in the lobby of the ANZ Bank (in the local dialect, pronounced “ayenzed”).
Side note, American speakers outside of the United States pronounce the letter “Z” as zed. When I say, “I’m heading to the A-N-Z bank,” I get blank looks and confusion. I try my hardest not to say zed because I think zee sounds much better. My argument is that when you sing the abc song, at the end you say, “Next time won’t you sing with me?” Me rhymes nicely with zee, but not at all with zed, therefore, the US is right and the rest of the American speaking world is wrong. Until I get a more convincing argument I am going to continue trying to say zee and not zed mainly out of principle.
The wait didn’t take long and soon enough, I was face-to-face with a teller for the first time in ages. I asked to make a large cash withdrawal. He politely asked for my card, swiped it, and asked for my PIN. I complied. He then informed me that I had (I don’t mean to brag here) $14.90 in available funds.
I frowned. “I just checked my balance online. I got paid. There should be a lot more money in my account than that.”
“I’m afraid not, sir.”
I pulled out my beloved iPhone and showed him the page with my account balance reflecting my recent pay deposit.
“I’m sorry, sir, the funds are not available yet.”
“What do you mean they’re not available yet? They were electronically deposited. My company does its banking with ANZ.”
I received a blank look.
“I mean my company banks with ayenzed.”
“I’m sorry, sir, let me grab the manager.”
“OK,” I thought, “all part of the process. I talk to the teller, the teller grabs the manager, the manager waives their hand, I get my money, and I start paying people back.”
The manager arrived. She shook my hand and asked what was the problem. I told her I was paid, I could see the deposit online, but my available funds were not reflecting my recent deposit. She frowned a little and banged away on a computer.
“I’m sorry, sir, your deposit won’t be available for another twenty-four hours.”
“OK, my company banks with ayenzed. I bank with ayenzed. You can see the money from my company going into my personal account. There is no way I can scam this as both these accounts are in your systems and it has been electronically deposited. The transaction should be processed in less than a second.”
She smiled. “You’re right, sir. We’re working on the problem. But there’s a twenty-four hour hold on your deposit. We can take your number and call you when the funds become available,” she added helpfully.
I took a deep breath. I realized she was prepared to politely smile and not do anything for me for as long as I was willing to argue with her. There was no way I was going to get the money no matter what I said. I tucked my tail between my legs and hoped that no one broke me legs over the money I owed them and realized I would have to come back another day and try again, for This Is Australia...
I have learned there is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things, there is a good way to do things and a bad way to do things. Then, there is the Australian way of doing things...
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